A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a turnip in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."
From the pharmacist: Take one of these pills every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off.
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Patient: $500.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like. What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.
Doctor calls her patient: I have some bad news and some very very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have no more than 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse than that? So, what's the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.
Doctor will I be able to play the violin after the operation?
Yes, of course...
Great ... I never could before...
Jake was going in for eye surgery and says to the opthamalogist, I’m very worried about the this operation, doc. What are the chances? The eye-doctor replies, Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.
Doctor: "I've got very bad news for you - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"
After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."
Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!
Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first psychiatrist says, "How you doing?" The other thinks, "I wonder what he really meant by that."
Patient: Doctor, I think I just swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Carlson: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: That's awful. How often?
Carlson: Every time we play golf!
Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you?
An eye-doctor was having his 30th birthday party. His friends made him a special birthday cake and led him blindfolded to the table where the cake sat.
The eye-doctor doctor removed the blindfold and looked at the cake. He immediately burst into a laughter ... on the cake, right in front of him were 40 candy eyes staring at him!
His friends asked him why he was laughing so hysterically, and after a few more moments of laughing and drying his eyes, the eye - doctor said: “I’m just thinking of my buddy who will be 40 next week, and is a gynecologist!”
A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a more specific."
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even that hurts", she cried.
The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."
A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"
"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"
"Half a pack a day."
"Starting now, no more smoking." The man agrees.
The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"
"Not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."
"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."
The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.
The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"
"Oh, well, normal stuff."
"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."
The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"
"Do you want to live long?"
"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"
"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.
"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. "
The man is appalled. "Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"
"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"