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Halloween Jokes II

Halloween Jokes II


Thinking of the season, here's some more Halloween Jokes. Before we know it, Halloween will be around the corner, it is time for the annual Just Jokes and Humor Blog Halloween Jokes and humor update. You can find more Halloween Jokes by following the link. Here are some pumpkin jokes, ghost jokes, ghoul jokes, witch jokes, skeleton jokes and Dracula jokes to lighten up the season...

What do birds sing on Halloween?
Twick or Tweet.

Why were there no leftovers after the monster party?
Because everyone was goblin!

Where do baby ghosts go during the day?
Dayscare centers.


What is the first thing ghosts do when they get in the car?
Boo-kle their sheet belts.

What did the ghost buy for his haunted house?
Home moaner's insurance.

What was the favorite game at the ghost's birthday party?
Hide and shriek!

What do ghosts serve for desert?
Ice Scream

What was the witch's favorite subject in school?
Spell-ing.

Why do witches fly on brooms?
Vacuum cleaner cords are not long enough.

How does a witch tell the time?
She looks at her witch watch.

Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
He didn't have the guts.

Why don't skeletons like parties?
They have no body to dance with.

What do skeletons say before they begin eating?
Bone appetite!

What has webbed feet, feathers, fangs and goes quack-quack?
Count Duckula

Who did Frankenstein take to the prom?
His ghoul friend.

Why do mummies make good workers?
They get wrapped up in their work.


What do you call a skeleton who will not do any work?
Lazy bones.

Y2k Jokes

Turn the clock back and let's party like it's 1999. An old Y2K Joke:

Dear Boss: Mi hope I haven’t misunderstood your instructions. Because to be honest, boss, that Y to K dates problem doesn't make any sense at all to me.

Well by now I have finished converting all the months on all the company calendars so that the year 2000 is ready to go with the following improved months: Januark, Februark, Mak, Julk.

In addition to that, I've changed the days of the week, so now they are ready for the year 2000 and will be: Sundak, Mondak, Tuesdak, Wednesdak, Thursdak, Fridak and Saturdak.

Is it enough, or should I change any other Y to K? I am a fan of the New York Yankees. Should I call them New Kork Kankees in order to be Y2K ready?

Christmas Jokes

Snow is falling (rain in California!), children are playing, bells are ringing ... and I'm collecting entertaining Christmas Jokes and Hanukkah Jokes from stupid to great, so if you have one to add send it to me, or put it in the comments and I'll add it to the list!

Without further discussion let's start with the Christmas Jokes...'Tis the season...




Q-How long should a reindeer's legs be?
A-Just long enough to reach the ground.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's cold.
Santa it's cold who?
Santa said it's cold, can we take the sleigh out tomorrow instead?

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Santa it's freezing.
Santa it's freezing who?
Santa, Rudolph wanated to tes tthe flagpole and it's freezing.

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Mary.
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!

What happens if you eat x-mas decorations?
You get tinsel-itis!

Did you hear about Hanibal Lechter's Christmas party?
It's a scream!

Keep that reindeer out of the house, it's full of fleas...
He Rudolph?
What?
You better stay out of the house .......... it's full of fleas.

And not a joke but from a friend, a holiday boutique at Christmas Ornaments .co

Thanksgiving Jokes

Thanksgiving Jokes
Turkeys Allowed!


Turkey warning ... Turkey jokes ahead in the annual Thanksgiving jokes of the Just Jokes and Humor blog. We love Thanksgiving ... good food, turkey, stuffing and now a little spice to liven up the feast. If you have anymore Thanksgiving jokes or turkey jokes to add, send them to us or add to the comments.

Why did the turkey cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.

The Thanksgiving turkey went to the psychiatrist, and said, Doc I need help, I can't stop acting like a turkey...
"I see," said the shrink. "How long have you had this problem?"
"Uh since my mommy laid an egg in 2007!"

Thanksgiving Jokes Page Turkey


What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
Eight drumsticks for the Thanksgiving meal.

Some Knock Knock Thanksgiving jokes:

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Sid.
Sid who?
Sid down. It's time to eat!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita nother drumstick.


Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Phillup.
Phillup who?
Phillup a plate and dig in!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive the stuffing too!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Tamara.
Tamara who?
Tamara we'll have Thanksgiving left-overs!

Knock Knock.
Who's there?
Norma-Lee.
Norma-Lee who?
Norma-Lee I don't eat this much!

Why did they let the turkey join the band?
He came with the drumsticks...

Dancing Thanksgiving Turkey


Why did the police arrest the turkey?
They suspected it of fowl play.

A guy was picking through the frozen turkeys at the supermarket, but couldn't find one as big as his girlfriend wanted... so he found the manager and asked, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?".
The manager answered, "Sorry, they're all dead."

Why should you keep your eye off the turkey dressing?
Because it makes her blush ...

What do you call sad cranberries?
Blueberries ...

What is an annoying turkey joke on Thanksgiving?
A turkey jerky.

What is a Thanksgiving Turkey who thinks he knows everything?
A smirky turkey.

What did the mother turkey say when her daughter died her feathers pink?
If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy..

What smells the best at a Thanksgiving dinner?
Your nose.

What kind of music did the Pilgrims play for the Indians on Thanksgiving?
Plymouth Rock...

If the Pilgrims were alive today, what would they be most famous for?
Their old age...

Why didn't the turkey eat dessert?
He got stuffed!

Can a turkey jump higher than the Sears Tower?
Yes - an office building can't jump ...

What key has legs and can't open doors?
A Tur-KEY

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Waddle
Waddle who?
Waddle you do if I don't answer the door?


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Obama Jokes

Q: What is greatest Obama Jokes irony of Election 2008?
A: Find out below ...

At the Just Jokes and Humor blog we subscribe to equal humor for political jokes. We've had Republican jokes ... now for some Democrat jokes. Don't worry, the political humor pendulum will swing back Republican for sure, and Democrat too.


Bust a move

Ok, laying aside politics ... we love Barack Obama, the Senator from Illinois, and President-elect of the United States. Such a nice ... uh fill in a random sophomoric awkward comment (err joke?) from Senator Joseph Biden here. Yes, that Senator Joseph Biden - called by some the Obama jokes gift that keeps on giving and the originator of the classic Obama joke, now is the Vice-President, making Barack's selection of him the greatest irony of election '08.

Sen. Barack Obama broke onto the national political stage with his stunning landslide election as Senator, uh President. He also broke into the political jokes and political humor stage in a big way, as his biography soared on the best seller lists. Continuing with our series on political jokes and political humor, here are a few more Obama Jokes to lighten up the political humor season. Oh, his homepage is here: BarackObama.com page.

Here is a late-nite TV political Obama joke from Conan O'Brien : Senator Hillary Clinton and Senator Barack Obama have been sniping at each other back and forth. It's getting ugly. The good news for Obama is, all this bickering with Hillary is making him look presidential.

And from renowned but bumbling Democrat Senator Ted Kennedy, "Osama bin ... Osama ... Obama" in a quote errorneously attributed to Rush Limbaugh by less reliable media outlets than the Jokes and Humor blog! Of course Rush Limbaugh has not shied away from repeating Kennedy's joke over and over, carefully attributing it to the bumbling joker source. In a further ironic political humor twist, Sen. Ted Kennedy's Obama joke picked up and embellished upon by Ann Coulter, the renowned columnist, "I refer to him as B. Hussein Obama. He's half white and half black, half Christian and half Muslim and half atheist. Something there for every Democrat."

Jay Leno commenting on Obama's renowned middle name, "Do you know what Barack Obama's middle name is? Hussein. Could've been worse. Could've been Kerry."

Even Roger Ailes of FoxNews followed Ted Kennedy and jumped on the Obama jokes political humor bandwagon, "It is true that just in the last two weeks Hillary Clinton has had over 200 phone calls telling her in order to win the presidency she must stay on the road for the next two years. It is not true they were all from Bill. ... And it is true that Barack Obama is on the move. I don't know if it's true that President Bush called Musharraf and said, 'Why can't we catch this guy?' " Wow that may be the best political joke ever, catching the four politicians in a two liner, Hillary Clinton, George Bush, Barrack Obama and Pakistan President Musharraf. Hmmm.

Obama also jumped on the Obama joke bandwagon, trying his hand at political humor on the Tonight Show with Jay Leno: Jay says, "Everybody who has announced here has been successful," hinting about Arnold Schwarzenegger's announcement. And Barack Obama retorts, "This is true, but I have to say that I've already committed to the Food Network to announce." He also quipped about going to church, "Everybody was reporting on me going to this church ... It was like, a Democrat in church!" Nice try, ... better stick to politics.

From Jay: "Barack Obama said today that politics has become too gummed up by money and influence ... and then he had to leave to attend a fundraiser."

Bill Maher jumped on the late night political jokes bandwagon: "Did you see this today about Barack Obama? Genealogy research has revealed that Obama's great-great-grandfather was born in Ireland. Oh great, now he won't be Irish enough for people."

Here is another Obama joke seen on Conan: The Reverend Jesse Jackson told CNN that he's planning to endorse Barack Obama for president. Experts say this is a risky move for Jackson, because hardly anything rhymes with 'Barack Obama.'

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Hillary Clinton Jokes

Hillary Jokes
Hillary Clinton Jokes - Read from Right to Left


not

Following on the equal humor tradition of the Just Jokes and Humor blog we’ve had Obama Jokes, and now for some Hillary Jokes … that’s Hillary Clinton Jokes for the uninitiated! The first question is obvious … Hillary Jokes? What in the world are Hillary jokes? After all, Hillary Clinton is said to have had her funny bone removed. Ta dum. Not exactly a political jokes or political humor magnate. Uh oh, she’s taking names now!
Hillary Clinton Jokes Photo
As with Senator Obama, the late night talk shows have no shortage of Hillary Clinton jokes. Here is one from David Letterman:

"Hillary Clinton is the junior senator from the great state of New York. When they swore her in, she used the Clinton family Bible. You know, the one with only seven commandments.”

A daytime Hillary Clinton Jokes interlude:

Q. What’s the difference between Hillary Clinton and Pinocchio?
A. One’s a puppet? Good guess, but nope. With Pinocchio you can see when he’s lying.

Back to late night jokes, with a Hillary joke from Jay Leno:

"Hillary Clinton's campaign wants Barack Obama to publicly renounce Hollywood producer David Geffen's statement attacking the Clintons. ... Geffen said, I know everyone in politics has to lie, but the Clintons do it with such ease, it's troubling. I think that's an unfair statement. Just because you're really good at something doesn't mean it's easy."

Uh oh ... Hillary Clinton touched the third rail of American politics, race. Having done so, she opened herself up to political Hillary jokes about her use of race due to her primary hyperbole against Barrack Obama, after all it was said her main strategy was to use race as a wedge issue scaring the white Democratic party voters. Not a joke, but an un-funny variation on the old racial stereotype that a black person lacks experience and substance and therefore cannot possibly be a leader, like a quarterback. The NFL proved that joke wrong (so did the Fox TV show 24), but un-funny Hillary Clinton joke is that it worked as her share of the white vote skyrocketed after Iowa.

Ok, let's lighten it up with some more bad Hillary Jokes on this theme:

Q. What did Hillary Clinton say to the civil rights marchers?
A. Don’t bother, it was already done by Lyndon Johnson.

Q. What did Hillary Clinton say to the two women who were passing by, one black and one white?
A. Hi ya’all, I have always supported civil rights, I am so energized to see you are integrated ... let's do lunch sometime ... see ya, bye.


Don't worry though the political humor pendulum will swing back left for sure.

Laying aside political jokes and Hillary jokes ... we love Hillary Clinton. How could you not love her? She was the wife of a President, got elected Senator from her home state of Arkansas where she was a law partner at the Rose Law firm … uh we mean her home state of Illinois … uh we mean her other home state of New York. Wow, with that geography, Hillary's home states provide enough electoral votes to make her President.

Jumping on the not really Hillary jokes bandwagon, Hillary Clinton did an interview with ABC's Cynthia McFadden:

McFadden: "Can you control him?" referring to husband Bill Clinton of Monica Lewinsky fame.
Hillary Clinton: "Oh of course".

Uh Hillary, better stick to comedy.

On with some more Hillary Jokes, with some more late night Hillary Clinton Jokes from Jay:

"According to the New York Post, Hillary Clinton used three private jets in a single day in a campaign swing through South Carolina. And today, she was officially named a Hollywood environmentalist."

"Hillary said today that she knew nothing about her brother's involvement (in Clinton's pardons). I believe her. This woman didn't even know who her husband was having sex with. How is she going to know what her brother is doing? Six months ago, she just suddenly found out she lived in New York!"

"Last week, it got a little dramatic. Senator Hillary Clinton called General Petraeus a liar. And believe this, if there's one thing she knows, it's how to spot a guy who's lying."

* Updates *

Saturday Night Live also jumped on the Hillary Clinton Jokes bandwagon, with a spoof of a joking, satire of a TV campaign speech by a Hillary Clinton impersonator:

Halloween Jokes

Halloween Jokes! - The ghost, the witch and the watchmaker.


What's scary about a watchmaker? Nothing ... dah dumm ... dumm ... dumm

The air is getting chillier, the pumpkins are appearing, Halloween ghosts and goblins are coming out from hiding in the garage … and I’m collecting Halloween Jokes from the short jokes to the stupid jokes to the great Halloween jokes. In honor of the boooooooootiful season, here are some Halloween jokes and Halloween humor, and if you have a joke to add, send it to me or put it in the comments and I’ll add it to the list!

Q. What do you get when you cross Bambi with a ghost?
A: Bamboo.

Q: How do you mend a broken Halloween Jack-o-lantern?
A: With a pumpkin patch.

Funny_Trick_or_Treat_Ghost

Halloween knock-knock joke…
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Boo
Boo who?
That’s all right ... don’t cry.

Q: Where do ghosts mail their Halloween greetings?
A: At the ghost office.

Q: Why did the witch put her broom in the wash for Halloween?
A: She wanted a clean sweep.

News and stories behind the humor in the Halloween Jokes page at Humor-and-Jokes.com

Q: What do you do when 20 zombies surround your house?
A: Wish them happy Halloween and give them candy.

Q: How does the witch know if it’s time to go trick or treating on Halloween?
A: She looks at her witch watch.

Q. What kind of mistakes do ghosts make?
A: Boo boos.






Q: What is a vampire's favorite holiday?
A: Fangsgiving

Q: Why didn't the vampire get invited to the Halloween party?
A: She was a pain in the neck.

Q: What does a baby witch want for Halloween?
A: A haunted doll house.

Q: What do you call ghosts who haunt skyscrapers?
A: High spirits...

Q: Who speaks at the ghost’s press conference?
A: The spooksperson.

Q: Who did Frankenstein take to the Halloween prom?
A: His ghoul friend

Q: Why does a witch ride a broom?
A: Vacuum cleaners get stuck at the end of the cord.

Halloween Jokes Funny Pumpkin
More scary-licious Halloween Jokes, please

Q: What did the first ghost say to the second ghost?
A: Do you believe in people?

Q. What is a ghost’s favorite ride at the amusement park?
A: The roller ghoster.

Q: What's vampire fast food?
A: Someone with high blood pressure.

Q: What do witches put on their hair to hold it in place?
A: Scare spray.

Q: Why are ghosts bad at telling lies?
A: Because you see right through them …

Q: What kind of streets do zombies like the best?
A: Dead ends.

Q: What is a witch's favorite subject in school?
A: Spell-ing

Q: What is a ghost's favorite bird?
A: A scare crow.

Q: What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
A: Spare ribs.

Q: What does a vampire never order at a restaurant?
A: A stake sandwich.

Q: Where do ghosts go on vacation?
A: Lake Erie.

Halloween Jokes at Jokes and Humor Blog

Banana Jokes

After hearing a banana joke last week, I decided to post a few ...

Q: Why was Anna not allowed to visit the King in his jungle kingdom?
A: He had his guards ban-anna from the castle.

Q: Why did the banana go to the doctor's office?
A: She wasn't peeling well.

Knock knock
Who's There?
Banana
Banana Who?
When you are in a restaurant, always be polite, even if a banana is sitting next to you.


Banana Jokes, Banana Humor, Knock-Knock Jokes


Q: What is green in the morning, yellow in the afternoon and brown in the evening?
A: A banana.

Q: What was the highlight of the banana gymnast's performance?
A: A banana split.

Q: What's the favorite toy of a baby Banana?
A: Mr. Banana Head.

Knock knock
Who's There?
Banana
Banana who?
Banana Pants.

Doctor Jokes

Here are some doctor jokes and humor to lighten up the next visit to the Doctor's office or the hospital. Some dentist jokes, pharmacist jokes and psychology / psychiatrist jokes too. First some short doctor jokes, followed by a few longer ones.


A man walks into a doctor's office. He has a cucumber up his nose, a carrot in his left ear and a turnip in his right ear.
"What's the matter with me?" he asks the doctor.
The doctor replies, "You're not eating properly."

From the pharmacist: Take one of these pills every four hours. Or as often as you can get the cap off.
Patient: How much to have this tooth pulled?
Dentist: $500.00.
Patient: $500.00 for just a few minutes work?
Dentist: I can extract it very slowly if you like. What do you call a depressed dentist?
A little down in the mouth.


Doctor calls her patient: I have some bad news and some very very bad news.
Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have no more than 24 hours to live.
Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible!! What could be worse than that? So, what's the very bad news?
Doctor: I have been trying to reach you since yesterday.

An oldie:
Doctor will I be able to play the violin after the operation?
Yes, of course...
Great ... I never could before...


Jake was going in for eye surgery and says to the opthamalogist, I’m very worried about the this operation, doc. What are the chances? The eye-doctor replies, Don’t worry, you won’t be able to see the difference.

Doctor: "I've got very bad news for you - you've got cancer and Alzheimer's"
Patient: "Well, at least I don't have cancer"

After receiving his medication from the pharmacist, the customer asks, "are these time release pills?" The pharmacist replies, "Yes. They begin to work after your check clears."

Doctor, you've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!
Do you drink a lot?
Not really - I spill most of it!

Two psychiatrists pass in the hall. The first psychiatrist says, "How you doing?" The other thinks, "I wonder what he really meant by that."

Patient: Doctor, I think I just swallowed a pillow.
Doctor: How do you feel?
Patient: A little down in the mouth.
Carlson: My wife beats me, doctor
Doctor: That's awful. How often?
Carlson: Every time we play golf!

Doctor: You're in good health. You'll live to be 80.
Patient: But, doctor, I am 80 right now.
Doctor: See, what did I tell you?

*******

An eye-doctor was having his 30th birthday party. His friends made him a special birthday cake and led him blindfolded to the table where the cake sat.

The eye-doctor doctor removed the blindfold and looked at the cake. He immediately burst into a laughter ... on the cake, right in front of him were 40 candy eyes staring at him!

His friends asked him why he was laughing so hysterically, and after a few more moments of laughing and drying his eyes, the eye - doctor said: “I’m just thinking of my buddy who will be 40 next week, and is a gynecologist!”

*******

A woman went to the doctor complaining of pain.
"Where are you hurting?" asked the doctor.
"You have to help me, I hurt all over", said the woman.
"What do you mean, all over?" asked the doctor, "be a more specific."

The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, "Ow, that hurts." Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, "Ouch! That hurts, too." Then she touched her right earlobe, "Ow, even that hurts", she cried.

The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, "You have a broken finger."

********

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doc, I would like to live very long. What should I do?"

"I think that is a wise decision," the doctor replies. "Let's see, do you smoke?"

"Half a pack a day."

"Starting now, no more smoking." The man agrees.

The doctor then asks, "Do you drink?"

"Not much, just a bit of wine with my meals, and a beer or two every once in a while."

"Starting now, you drink only water. No exceptions."

The man is a bit upset, but also agrees.

The doctor asks, "How do you eat?"

"Oh, well, normal stuff."

"Starting now you are going on a very strict diet. You are going to eat only raw vegetables, with no dressing, and non-fat cottage cheese."

The man is now really worried. "Doc, is all this really necessary?"

"Do you want to live long?"

"Yes."

"Well then, it's absolutely necessary. And don't even think of breaking the diet." The man is quite restless, but the doctor continues, "Do you have sex?"

"Yeah, once a week or so..., only with my wife!" he adds hurriedly.

"As soon as you get out of here you are going to buy twin beds. No more sex for you. "

The man is appalled. "Are you sure I'm going to live longer this way?"

"I have no idea, but whatever you live, I assure you is going to seem like an eternity!"




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More Retirement Jokes

Continuing with our Retirement Jokes and humor series, here are a few more retirement jokes or senior jokes. Click on the "labels" links at the end to find more Retirement Jokes ...


It's not the age but the mileAGE that counts.

You know that you are getting old when you remember when you had to get up to change the channel on the black and white TV.

You know that you are getting old when you remember Coke came in a glass bottle.

You know that you are getting old when you remember when you wore your good clothes to travel by air.

You know that you are getting old when you remember when most of your sentences begin with, "When I was your age..."

You know that you are getting old when you often repeat things...You often repeat things... You often repeat things...

You know that you are getting old when you remember when getting a new bicycle meant you were rich.



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