Listitude - Crack Me Up Funny

Clean Jokes

Clean jokes are the fashion these days. You can use them for any occasion - parties, dates, school, the office and holiday parties.

Here are a few clean jokes that have lightened up my day:

What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
The teacher tells the student to spit the gum out and the train says "chew chew"!

What does a snail say when it goes for a ride on a turtles back?Wheeeeee!

A snail goes to the bartender, and orders a beer. the bartender flicks him off of the bar.
Three weeks later the snail comes back and says "what did you do that for?"

Did you hear the joke about the change machine?
Yeah, but I couldn't get any sense out of it.

A circus owner walked into a bar to see everyone crowded about a table. On the table was an upside-down pot and a duck tap dancing on it. The circus owner was so impressed that he offered to buy the duck on the spot.
After negotiating back and forth they settled for 20 gold nuggets for the duck and its pot.
Three days later the circus owner storms to the bar in anger, "Your duck is a rip-off! I put him on the pot before a whole audience and he didn't dance a single hop!"
"Oh?" asked the duck's former owner, did you remember to light the candle under the pot?

A defendant in a lawsuit involving large sums of money was talking to his lawyer. "If I lose this case, I'll be ruined." "It's in the judge's hands now," said the lawyer. "Would it help if I sent the judge a box of cigars?" "Oh no! This judge is a stickler or ethical behavior. A stunt like that would prejudice him against you. He might even hold you in contempt of court. In fact, you shouldn't even smile at the judge." Within the course of time, the judge rendered a decision in favor of the defendant. As the defendant left the courthouse, he said to his lawyer, "Thanks for the tip about the cigars. It worked!" "I'm sure we would have lost the case if you'd sent them." "But, I did send them." "What? You did?" said the lawyer, incredulously. "Yes. That's how we won the case." "I don't understand," said the lawyer. "It's easy. I sent the cigars to the judge, but enclosed the plaintiff's business card."

We had just finished eating a beautiful dinner that my mother had prepared for our large family. As I glanced up at the chandelier over the table, I was mesmerized by the creative handiwork a spider had woven around the prisms and light bulbs.
"Don't look up there!" my mother screamed. "It's the one thing I was too tired to clean!"
"Don't look where?" my brother asked.
"There!" my mother pointed. "It's my own personal web sight!"

Did you hear about the fire in the circus ... It was in-tents.

"Cash, check or charge?" the cashier asked.As the customer fumbled through her purse, the cashier noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse."Do you always carry your TV remote?" "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, so I figured this would motivate him next time."

There are a lot more to be hunted down in the humor-and-jokes site.

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